Ginger Root

Professor Trinh once told me that

Guan Yin (觀音), the goddess of mercy and compassion, holds a portrait of my ngin ngin, my paternal grandmotherProfessor Trinh once told me that

The tree has no core.

It exists neither in its leaves or branches,

Nor in its roots or trunk.

“Think of a ginger root

Where each part is its core.”

My exes said to me

Stop asking yourself if you’re real,

Or if the world is real,

That you’ll be ok

And just live your life.

But I can’t just live when

I don’t even know if this is a dream or not.

But in my dreams, I often try to not die

And just live.

But is that enough?

What is real?

I cannot escape how my brain is wired,

How my biology is wired,

The inheritance from my parents and the parents before them,

The ways their biology informed them to respond to trauma,

The way society informed them.

I do not exist by myself outside of society.

Who I am is informed by society.

My heart is shaped not just by me,

But by the people I surround myself with,

Chosen and unchosen.

My partner told me

That everything I do is my real self

And there is no way I can be fake.

Am I what my queer and trans ancestors dream of when I feel cut off from them?

Am I my intrusive thoughts?

Are those real? 

I think them,

But I don’t act them out.

Is my craziness real?

Who am I without my crazy?

Who am I without being busy?

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Jai Yee is a multidisciplinary artist and educator based in New York City. Their work explores identity, memory, and transformation through mixed media and community-centered projects.